sometimes its really the little things that make me smile,
reminiscing about the past and old times and how happy i was (not saying that im not happy now)

i could be happier.
i could
but i feel somethings stopping me from happiness.
i dont know what it is
the happy exterior doesnt always portray the insecure interior of onself
the fear of being vulnerable?
the fear of rejection?
the fear of being slammed bang wammped back in the face?
the fear of letting everything go?

its scary to think about everything NOW.
like past few days and stuff.
everything's been at its best
havent had time to think about whats been going on
whats my next move
whats on my mind
who's my priority
what i should do next

and just last night
while watching Nip/Tuck
i started to think,
is this what i really want?
to just wait for something not even here and shut something possible out?
its like, hell yeah i want to move on
hell yeah, i am
unfortunately there's that BUT.
but if i do, will you still be mine?
but if i do, will there ever be a chance for us again?

its like moving on yet standing still.
ironic but yeah, its happening.
i dont wanna think of me using someone else to forget about you
i dont
because
1) i dont wanna forget you
2) he never can and never will

so confusing.
i dont know what im doing.
i want you back yet i dont.
i want us back but i know its impossible.
i want to move on but i always fall back

everytime i try to fall i fall without my wings i feeel so small
i guess i need you baby.

ok note to oneself;
FUG OFF.
& get ready for fishing you bitch