i think
im being that way i am towards you is because
i dont want to hurt him.

yes you're the first and last person i think of every day
but slowly, im not bothering.
but i keep saying i miss you etc.
yes i do miss you but somehow i know im doing it because of something
and it might just be
because i dont want to hurt other people thus hang on the memories of us.

yes i dont wannt to lose you
but i always find myself using you as an excuse to
okayy..
i dont know how to say.

yes, i am having fun, 2-3 times the amount of fun ive had in months
and no doubt im living not dying without you
(eventho i very much thought i would)
but i dont know.
i want you but i dont want you at the same time
i want him but i dont want him because i want you but i dont want you.

i think i should probably stop being selfish and let you go
which i can very proudly say i am slowly doing
but then again,
i dont want to lose you

i want you out of my head, my thoughts but
i dont wanna lose it.

its quite confusing
because
you were the future i had so much hope for
and now that its obviously rotten, dead and collecting maggots
and people come into my life
im just too afraid to open up
too afraid that if i let him in, ill lose you
i dont him to replace you i dont
no one can
but im afraid.

i dont know if i still love you just as much
im sure i do but its not as much as i did before
and yes i really miss you, no doubt about it. i miss you more each day
but feelings fade
im happy yet sad it is.

i still find myself tear-ing when i see our pictures
i still find myself hoping to have you want me back
i still find myself hoping you'd call and say you miss me
i still find myself hoping you'd come back, okay wait i dont even know if i want you back

i dont need to know if you still love me or not
because i know the answer, which is a no.
but all i need to know now is,
do i mean the little-less bit to you and do you still think about me and if you miss me even the least bit?
lie to me even if you have to because im sure you know what im expecting your answer to be

im afraid id be the person i told myself not to be
im afraid id do things i told myself not to do

i dont know
im glad yet sad things are the way they are now.
glad because i wouldnt have met and known people i know now and know who truely are the ones worth keeping
sad because my future with you no longer exist


oh ,
i know youre fucking gloating and popping champagne we're no longer together
be happy
and have fun always reading my blog.
and then bitch about it to the world :))